I know it's been a really long time since I have blogged. When I look back at my blog entries I have written mostly in the summer when I am not working. Obviously it is easier for me to blog when I am not working. Being a teacher is difficult. You are on when you are on and working and when you are off.. you really are off. I have been off for the last 2 weeks and it has been amazing. In 2 weeks I've only went in once to sub for summer school. I have had other offers to sub but I didn't take them.
Because this is a blog about my process and journey to becoming a mommy I would like to write about what has been going on and where we are in this process. We had a slow down this past year in the adoption process. After our meeting with A from Teddy Bear Agency, which went really well... we had to give them paperwork from our physician. We did so. Everything was great. I felt uncomfortable with a couple of things that our counselor said and it caused me to stall. It caused me to feel judged, honestly.
It also made me think about the adoption agency we were using and it made me feel like we should research things further. I reached out to a couple of other agencies and learned more about their process. I read more books and prayed about this process. One thing that is difficult for me is that I have not explored fertility deeply. I went to a fertility clinic and spoke with a wonderful doctor about our options.
WOW we have many options. We have so many different options. Some of them seem easy and some of them seem really invasive. I deal with anxiety and 99% of this anxiety surrounds health related things. Because of my past (which I will write a post about this summer) I struggle with anxiety greatly. I struggle with going to the doctor and being able to have all of the blood tests, ultra sounds, etc. etc. I need to work on this. I need to work on this for so many reasons. Not only do I need to work on this because it is holding me back from being able to obtain my dream of becoming a mommy but I need to work on it because I am not addressing many important things about my health. I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled. However, because of my horrible anxiety I am not doing this. I need to get blood tests done and see a specialist due to an unusual test result I got over a year ago. I am afraid and because of this intense fear I am not going and getting these things addressed.
I feel awful about this because I know that I am holding myself back. This is difficult for me and very sad. After talking with the fertility specialist I realized that I am able to go down the fertility path and I have great insurance that will help me have a baby. Our own biological child. I want to do this. I want to do this more than anything. I am determined to become a mother. I want to be a mommy more than anything in my life. Yes, it is scary. The entire process is scary but the outcome is wonderful. When I think about having a child to do wonderful things like apple picking, going to the zoo, going to Disney World and just taking to the park I know this is the best decision to make in the world.
I have worked with a counselor for years to address my anxiety. However, I don't think I am making any progress. This is heartbreaking for me. I know that my anxiety is holding me back from reaching my dreams of having a family and having children. Recently, I was talking with another teacher about my fertility journey. She mentioned to me that she adopted one of her daughter and was a foster mommy 11 (YES ELEVEN!!) times. When I heard this it warmed my heart. I was excited immediately. I felt warm inside and excited.
Here's why.. I am excited because when I thought about it I realized that we could work with DCFS to foster a child. We could learn more about this from DCFS and learn about their foster to adoption process. Building a family takes many different forms. I am open to many different ways to build a family. I always have been. I knew that adoption may be the way in which I become a mother and I am open to this in every way.
I hope to blog more and write about this process. I am so hopeful that we will have a little one with us to foster and love by Christmas. I know this is wishful thinking but I will hope and pray for this wonderful blessing.
XOXO .. Love you angel,
Mommy
Because this is a blog about my process and journey to becoming a mommy I would like to write about what has been going on and where we are in this process. We had a slow down this past year in the adoption process. After our meeting with A from Teddy Bear Agency, which went really well... we had to give them paperwork from our physician. We did so. Everything was great. I felt uncomfortable with a couple of things that our counselor said and it caused me to stall. It caused me to feel judged, honestly.
It also made me think about the adoption agency we were using and it made me feel like we should research things further. I reached out to a couple of other agencies and learned more about their process. I read more books and prayed about this process. One thing that is difficult for me is that I have not explored fertility deeply. I went to a fertility clinic and spoke with a wonderful doctor about our options.
WOW we have many options. We have so many different options. Some of them seem easy and some of them seem really invasive. I deal with anxiety and 99% of this anxiety surrounds health related things. Because of my past (which I will write a post about this summer) I struggle with anxiety greatly. I struggle with going to the doctor and being able to have all of the blood tests, ultra sounds, etc. etc. I need to work on this. I need to work on this for so many reasons. Not only do I need to work on this because it is holding me back from being able to obtain my dream of becoming a mommy but I need to work on it because I am not addressing many important things about my health. I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled. However, because of my horrible anxiety I am not doing this. I need to get blood tests done and see a specialist due to an unusual test result I got over a year ago. I am afraid and because of this intense fear I am not going and getting these things addressed.
I feel awful about this because I know that I am holding myself back. This is difficult for me and very sad. After talking with the fertility specialist I realized that I am able to go down the fertility path and I have great insurance that will help me have a baby. Our own biological child. I want to do this. I want to do this more than anything. I am determined to become a mother. I want to be a mommy more than anything in my life. Yes, it is scary. The entire process is scary but the outcome is wonderful. When I think about having a child to do wonderful things like apple picking, going to the zoo, going to Disney World and just taking to the park I know this is the best decision to make in the world.
I have worked with a counselor for years to address my anxiety. However, I don't think I am making any progress. This is heartbreaking for me. I know that my anxiety is holding me back from reaching my dreams of having a family and having children. Recently, I was talking with another teacher about my fertility journey. She mentioned to me that she adopted one of her daughter and was a foster mommy 11 (YES ELEVEN!!) times. When I heard this it warmed my heart. I was excited immediately. I felt warm inside and excited.
Here's why.. I am excited because when I thought about it I realized that we could work with DCFS to foster a child. We could learn more about this from DCFS and learn about their foster to adoption process. Building a family takes many different forms. I am open to many different ways to build a family. I always have been. I knew that adoption may be the way in which I become a mother and I am open to this in every way.
I hope to blog more and write about this process. I am so hopeful that we will have a little one with us to foster and love by Christmas. I know this is wishful thinking but I will hope and pray for this wonderful blessing.
XOXO .. Love you angel,
Mommy